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To Be Locked In  The Stocks -- AGAIN!

8/15/2015

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In the immortal words of Victor Meldrew, “I don’t believe it.”

For the second year running I’ve fallen foul of the literary police. Yes, I know; I didn’t learn my lesson from 12 months ago did I? They’ve only gone and charged me with crimes against literature and the written word again, haven’t they?

Ssshhh. Don’t tell my new publisher, because the paperback edition of In Shadows Waiting is due out very shortly.

So the bell will toll for me at Moat Way, Barwell, on the afternoon of Saturday August 22nd, where my jailer and guard, Emma Lawton, will apply the handcuffs and march me barefoot through Mill Street, High Street, Top Town, Kirkby Road, Byron Street, Moore Road, Forest View Road, Queens Way, Oxford Street, back down to Kirkby Road, Top Town, and Church Lane, where I will be duly locked in the stocks for the duration of Barwell Carnival.

With my head and hands secured in place I will be going nowhere, and completely helpless to prevent the punishment and humiliation that I know so many of you are keen to inflict on me, with buckets of water and sponges.

And you’ll be able to indulge in this sadistic pleasure for the ridiculously cheap fee of just £1 for three sponges (and if a sponge misses, you get another go!). Also, I’m sure Emma will be open to negotiations regarding a price for dousing me with a full bucket.

I suppose it’ll be fun of sorts…as this picture from last year shows...but the important thing is that it all helps to raise funds for good causes locally, as decided upon by the Barwell Carnival Committee.

Talking of raising funds for good causes…watch this space. I’m currently working with Irene and Sue, from West Leicestershire Mind, on doing a sponsored event for them.   


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This Numbers Lark Doesn't Add Up -- Or Does It?

8/10/2015

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OK, so I have no idea how this twaddle works. But twaddle it is (unless anyone can show me otherwise), yet somehow, work it does.

Three months ago I made a light-hearted comment in my blog that numbers should be accepted in any order, so that 8 x 4 = 23 and 7 x 7 = 94. That prompted a numerologist to get in touch, who, then armed with my full name and date of birth, created my personal numerology reading.

And d’you know what? It’s friggin’ accurate. It says my Life Path Number…well, never mind what it says about that, but take my word for it, it’s absolutely spot on!  I am prepared to share my Expression Number findings, though: “The ultimate height of your personal expression in life is the chance to offer to others. You work well with people of all ages but particularly delight in inspiring creativity in children and young adults. Others trust you implicitly because you are so kind, considerate and consistent.”

My Soul Urge Number shows achievement in the artistic world, and exhibiting my talents is second nature. And what about the comment that I may have developed a beautiful speaking voice? What the hell?  Well, I’m a writer now, but before that I was a broadcaster. Oh, and I did win the Spoken English competition at school three years on the trot before Patricia Dunn came along and knocked me off that particular throne. This is uncanny.

There is so much more that hits every nail squarely on the head every time. How can twaddle like this be so right? Well, the numerologist tells me: “Numbers govern much, if not most, of what happens in your life; relationships, health and finances. Just by knowing your name and date of birth I can tell you things about yourself and even your future that will blow your mind.”

So is there really some greater cosmic influence at work? Dunno. But I’m off now to check my horoscope. 

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    Stewart Bint supports mental health charity Lamp Advocacy.

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    Author

    Stewart Bint is a novelist, magazine columnist and PR writer. 

    He lives with his wife, Sue, in Leicestershire in the UK, and has two children, Christopher and Charlotte, and a budgie called Bertie.

    Usually goes barefoot.

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